Addiction affects one in three people. No; I’m not saying that one in three people suffer from the disease of addiction. I’m saying that those people who DO suffer from the disease of addiction are loved by one in three people, and so every third one of us knows and cares about someone who suffers. But how many of us know how to address our concerns?
By definition, an addiction – like any disease – is negative, so we know by negative consequences when someone suffers from an addiction. When someone has heart disease, one of the characteristics is being short of breath. When our loved one has shortness of breath that wasn’t there before while doing normal activities, we say, “Hey, Loved One, I see that you’re really short of breath. You should get that looked at.”
I’ve written before about our need to address addiction as we would address any other chronic, progressive, lethal disease. We don’t let our loved ones pretend they don’t suffer from cancer, diabetes, or heart disease, so why do we let them suffer from addiction without addressing it?
It’s mostly because we don’t know what to say, and we don’t want to have the argument that is so likely to ensue. But, as I say, I can sleep at night. I address what I feel needs to be addressed, and the person addressed gets to make a decision about the next steps taken. And, believe me, I have a lot of experience addressing my concerns for others.
Mike McGowan is a phenomenal trainer on pretty much any topic related to substance use disorders, and he suggests three separate words that depend upon our relationship with the person we suspect of having an addiction that can be used in this conversation: concerned, worried, scared (M. McGowan, personal communication, November 29, 2022).
First is concern: Hey, Person I Really Don’t Know Well, I’m concerned about these negative consequences that I’ve seen around your substance use. I liken this to the person you see every week at the gym. You work out about the same time on Mondays, and so every Monday you see this person dressing. In the middle of his (or her) back there’s a mole that’s been growing over the course of the last month. And you know it’s in a place the person really can’t see well. Do you ignore it? Or, do you step into your humanity and say, “Hey, Person I Really Don’t Know Well, I see that you have a mole on your back that’s really changed over the last month or so. I think you may want to get that looked at”?
Because I want to be able to sleep at night, I choose the latter approach. Now, I admit that on more than one occasion by more than one person I’ve been called confrontational, but I think it’s just that I am really not conflict-avoidant when so many people are. I’m not causing a confrontation in the true denotation of the word. American Heritage Dictionary defines confrontation as “The act of confronting or state of being confronted, especially a meeting face to face.” Confront is defined, in part, as “To bring face to face with; to come up against, encounter.” So confrontation need not be negative. And, quite honestly, it need not be face to face. If this interaction makes you uncomfortable, send an email, leave an anonymous note, but have the conversation! “Hey, Person I Really Don’t Know Well, I am concerned about you because I know that you were fired from your job and that your loved ones are complaining about your substance use (the negative consequences). You may want to see a counselor/therapist to figure out why.”
Next up is worry: This is for the person I care about but don’t necessarily have a real strong interpersonal relationship with. This may be someone I see regularly at work or even a family member who doesn’t live in my household. “Hey, Person I Know Well-ish, I’m worried about your substance use. I’ve heard that you were arrested for disorderly conduct and that your girlfriend broke up with you because of your drinking. You may want to see a counselor/therapist to determine what’s going on with you.”
And, finally is scared: “Hey, Loved One, I am scared to death about your substance use. I know that you’re always broke and that you drink consistently throughout the day, and I’m really afraid for you and our relationship. You may want to see a counselor/therapist for help.”
Note that I’m stating facts or at least factual information when addressing the negative consequences. And note that I am not diagnosing someone’s misuse because in these instances I’m not qualified to. I am expressing my concern, worry, and fear…and the person addressed gets to do with that information as chosen.
About 50% of Americans say that we believe that addiction is a disease (Grisel and Dilorenzo), and I assume that if you’ve gotten this far, you’re one of them. Let’s actually act like it by expressing our concern, worry, and fear as we would with any other disease that is chronic, progressive, and lethal.
References
Grisel, J., & Dilorenzo, P. (2019). The American Misunderstanding on Addiction Continues. Imprint. Imprintnews.org
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