I am a huge fan of “Ask Eric,” which my daily newspaper runs every day. For the uninitiated, “Ask Eric” is the latest generation of “Dear Abby” or “Ask Ann Landers.” Ann Landers was really Esther “Eppie” Lederer, and Dear Abby was her twin sister Pauline “Popo” Phillips. I don’t like taking advice from anyone any more than your average person, but I do love giving it! And I love seeing if my advice matches the “expert’s.”
And here’s the point: back in 1993, Psychology Today said that Ann Landers “probably has more influence on the way people work out their problems than any other person now alive.” And I don’t think they were wrong. Since Ann and Abby, others have picked up the mantle, like Abby’s daughter Jeanne, but I thought she was a little mean at times. I don’t know what credentials one needs to become an advice columnist, but R. Eric Thomas is also an author and playwright who studied playwriting at University of Maryland Baltimore County (Baltimore).
I love his answers and nearly always agree with them because I feel as though he understands human nature and addiction better than most, IMHO.
One question, from May 12, is quite similar to something I could have written but didn’t, despite it being from someone also living in Wisconsin:
Basically, “Worried in Wisconsin” wrote that despite spending two decades as a substance abuse counselor and being asked and then offering advice to zir niece who “has been using opiates heavily which cost her a job and almost led to her being incarcerated,” the advice went unheeded, and the mom of the niece, “Worried’s” sister, is “in denial about the seriousness of this situation and the need for therapeutic intervention now (and possibly medication).”
“Worried” asked if ze should get involved since “she did initially invite me in.”
Eric’s answer is why I wish everyone would read and heed his advice.
First, he explains that this isn’t a time to mind your own business. When a person has first-hand knowledge and professional expertise, that person should speak up. This isn’t about a difference of opinions between family members. This is life or death!
And then he talks about boundaries and our inability to control others, which is a reminder that anyone who cares for a person with addiction needs to hear over and over (ArcaMax).
Another question, from April 28, has a similar theme, but this is a reminder that addiction is addiction…
The writer, “Concerned Mom” has a son, “Aaron,” who gave up methamphetamines two years ago but replaced that drug with another one…alcohol…which isn’t how Mom explains it. She actually says, “Thankfully he has finally quit, but the drugs were replaced with alcohol.”
Both Mom and Eric know that addiction is addiction. A person isn’t addicted TO a drug. A person has addiction. Mom wants to know how she can support Aaron without enabling him. And Eric delivers!
He explains, “I like to think about support as akin to holding a nail while another person hammers it into a half-finished piece of furniture – it’s aid in achieving a goal. Enabling is like handing a person a completed chair. Support for Aaron can include being emotionally present for him, listening to him, asking him what’s getting in the way of seeking treatment. This is going to be painful for you and for him, but there are alternatives to ultimatums that may prove effective in your son’s case.”
And then he recommends a method for better communication developed by Robert J. Meyers, PhD, and Brenda L. Wolfe, PhD, in the book Getting Your Loved One Sober (Hazelden). The PIUS method is:
P – Positive communication.
I – “I” statements.
U – Understanding of the other’s perspective and feelings.
S – Sharing responsibility.
I think we’d have a better understanding of addiction and helping others through it if we would all simply “Ask Eric.”
Resources
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askingeric/s-3699340
May 2017, “Q&A with R. Eric Thomas”
https://www.hazelden.org/store/item/653?Get-Your-Loved-One-Sober
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199305/queen-hearts
Just a fun read about the history of “Ask Ann Landers” and “Dear Abby”: https://jwa.org/thisweek/jul/04/1918/ann-landers-and-abigail-van-buren
Guided by Guida 
Leave a comment